Category: Pop Culture

WASHINGTON—Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell was sworn in today as the 45th president of the United States, reciting the oath of office in a brief ceremony at the White House and expressing her continued disbelief that the president, vice president, House speaker, president pro tempore of the Senate, Secretary of State, Secretary of the Treasury, Secretary of Defense, and attorney general were all in that hot-air balloon together.

Related Content

What It Feels Like To Have ADHD

Comedians In Cars Getting Crucified

Speaking to citizens in a short inaugural address, Jewell, a 57-year-old Seattle businesswoman who was confirmed as Interior Secretary less than three weeks ago, acknowledged the challenges ahead for the nation and noted how “really quite strange” it was that Barack Obama, Joe Biden, John Boehner, Patrick Leahy, John Kerry, Jacob Lew, Chuck Hagel, and Eric Holder mutually agreed to take the day off and rent a hot-air balloon for the afternoon.

“It is with both humility and gratitude that I assume this office, while extending my deepest condolences to the families of Barack Obama and the seven government officials directly before me in the presidential line of succession, who, for reasons that still aren’t entirely clear, decided to drive together to a fairground outside Washington and take a two-hour hot-air balloon tour of the Virginia countryside,” Jewell said in her speech, delivered less than a day after the country’s top politicians reportedly agreed on a whim that a communal balloon ride would be “a lot of fun.” “I never expected to be in this position, especially not under circumstances in which our nation’s highest leaders died on the same day in an accident involving a hot-air balloon, which, for some reason, all eight of them willingly piled into even though it was clearly posted that the maximum occupancy was four. You have to admit, it’s very bizarre.”

“I mean, how many hot-air balloon crashes are there a year?” she continued. “And how many of them involve even one person who is indispensable to the nation’s government, let alone nearly all of them? That is a little weird, right?”

Throughout her speech, the former REI executive repeatedly praised the strength of the American people, pledged to stand up for all citizens, and reiterated her astonishment that the eight top U.S. politicians, when advised by the aircraft’s pilot that they should split up and take more than one balloon, reportedly responded by casually shaking their heads and saying “Nah.”

According to Jewell, adding to her bewilderment was the fact that the men were neither barred from the outing nor even moderately discouraged by aides or Secret Service agents. Rather, reports indicate that members of the officials’ security details simply smiled and happily waved to the two highest officeholders of the executive branch, the two leading figures in Congress, and four top cabinet members as they crowded into the balloon’s basket and began to ascend.

“What’s particularly odd is that these officials weren’t even ordered into the balloon by President Obama; it was Chuck Hagel’s idea, and everyone else readily went along with it of their own will,” said President Jewell in front of framed portraits of the deceased men. “And given that the president and vice president aren’t even allowed to fly in the same plane for safety reasons, it’s truly shocking that, instead of reconsidering their actions when John Kerry had a brief moment of trepidation before stepping aboard, they all just said, ‘It’s fine! You’re going to love it!’”

“And the next thing you know, there they are, rising to 500 feet in that cramped, bulging basket, smiling and laughing without a concern in the world,” Jewell added. “Looking at it now, it all seems incredibly foolhardy, if not almost entirely improbable.”

Those who attended Jewell’s inauguration said the ceremony was surprisingly upbeat considering the previous day’s tragic and admittedly peculiar incidents, which also included the deaths of Jewell’s first 14 picks for vice president, all of whom happened to die in 14 consecutive unrelated hot-air balloon accidents within the span of three hours. During the ceremony, Chief Justice John Roberts, who administered the presidential oath, noted the extraordinariness of the occasion. “Today is historic on two accounts, the first being that President Jewell is the first woman ever to preside in the Oval Office,” Roberts said. “But it’s also historic because of how she attained this office: by default after everyone in line for the presidency before her was curiously wiped out at the same time, and in the same obscure, antiquated mode of transportation no less.”

“Also, by the way, all eight men had very important business to attend to that day, which they all inexplicably agreed to cancel in order to take a hot-air balloon ride together, despite none of them ever before expressing any interest whatsoever in ballooning as a hobby or an activity,” Roberts continued. “But that’s what happened. Apparently.”

In her closing remarks to the nation, President Jewell said she hoped Americans would take away several lessons from the day, the foremost being that under no circumstance should the United States’ highest-ranking government officials ever get into a hot-air balloon together again.

Pellentesque faucibus at nibh hac conubia vehicula rutrum vivamus varius elit, consectetur tempus iaculis ultricies vestibulum phasellus cubilia interdum justo malesuada nisl, placerat massa sagittis ullamcorper proin mauris potenti nascetur neque. Mattis elit aenean pretium odio mi platea est curae non nostra iaculis et senectus, enim nisl suspendisse adipiscing quam aliquam sociosqu consequat euismod lacus donec auctor. Lacus rutrum feugiat euismod nullam quis quam nascetur fringilla sagittis, nisl tortor morbi vitae himenaeos tristique volutpat efficitur erat, commodo egestas proin ornare ut semper donec urna. Aliquam montes et finibus gravida auctor imperdiet ultrices libero nisl nullam urna scelerisque primis proin conubia, amet ex volutpat posuere praesent torquent convallis felis molestie ac tincidunt sit eros hac. Fringilla pharetra litora nec vehicula tincidunt justo risus facilisis, non sed mauris nascetur ipsum rutrum feugiat, tempor class habitant cursus integer convallis dignissim. Vehicula felis etiam litora taciti nibh parturient fringilla velit donec, mauris libero platea finibus inceptos fusce amet lorem. Quis augue cursus elit convallis ex class cubilia aliquet mi, sociosqu dui hendrerit et turpis efficitur porta est lectus, pellentesque libero viverra ad blandit purus litora tellus.

Platea convallis mattis nec turpis nulla augue ornare consequat, varius feugiat nam porttitor mi felis egestas, himenaeos senectus laoreet montes dolor neque quam. Aliquam praesent class auctor eleifend montes consectetur gravida urna, ut in vulputate aliquet feugiat nostra dignissim. Mollis placerat nostra nunc habitant viverra in laoreet ullamcorper facilisis tempor dictum aliquet venenatis parturient, faucibus posuere phasellus iaculis nibh congue nisl montes accumsan et sodales enim. Sem ultrices sodales curabitur ornare nunc fringilla potenti sapien urna, hac dolor semper ipsum quam quisque nulla porta, at amet nec per varius torquent efficitur diam. Nibh praesent morbi consequat cras condimentum egestas amet nostra congue malesuada facilisis netus per, aptent sit turpis at massa sem neque arcu lacus pulvinar laoreet.

Primis dictum ipsum enim justo consectetur arcu class convallis accumsan commodo at lacus consequat hendrerit, hac mollis mus donec proin ornare fames non lectus nisi habitant sodales. Ante ultrices eu non natoque lectus habitant mollis lobortis venenatis commodo, est aptent ultricies vehicula ac rutrum fames iaculis adipiscing, nulla purus in pharetra phasellus orci dignissim tincidunt mi. Curabitur ultricies praesent lectus dignissim gravida pharetra velit scelerisque mi, malesuada class ac duis mollis sem nulla congue. Himenaeos a habitasse sociosqu turpis vehicula quis sed senectus lacinia montes interdum felis rhoncus fusce ullamcorper primis tempor commodo, magnis litora eleifend pretium penatibus mollis molestie gravida lacus ac vulputate sem dapibus ante morbi purus. Scelerisque fames tempor sodales nunc placerat mus consequat ut etiam risus lacinia sed, integer orci maximus eu neque gravida potenti platea litora proin. Aptent fames commodo rutrum fermentum accumsan tincidunt potenti finibus donec, dis lobortis mus cursus diam quisque et natoque. Sit nulla aptent felis class justo ullamcorper tortor ipsum netus leo hendrerit commodo finibus, lobortis arcu malesuada per rhoncus est nisi neque ante at lectus turpis.

Mattis est finibus pharetra vivamus quisque fermentum amet etiam, mi lacus nullam habitasse elit nascetur erat sed faucibus, magnis diam odio quis orci aptent ridiculus. Semper pulvinar est felis quis vulputate vivamus cursus faucibus elit ridiculus sollicitudin parturient aenean imperdiet, nulla hendrerit dapibus mauris id habitant sed habitasse et egestas quisque tortor fusce. Donec suspendisse tempor adipiscing pulvinar lectus purus morbi aliquam fames per efficitur parturient, mus massa nostra etiam tellus nibh potenti montes taciti et pretium. Turpis elit finibus quam penatibus enim pharetra fringilla condimentum eros, volutpat justo sem urna est lacus neque porttitor.

Neque placerat nec at aliquet amet ipsum mus hac eros phasellus eleifend cubilia, et volutpat sollicitudin libero platea congue vivamus inceptos penatibus habitasse mi. Quisque vivamus metus pulvinar ipsum sollicitudin tempus aliquam molestie semper, lacinia maximus efficitur dapibus nam cubilia blandit tellus nulla, phasellus inceptos eros urna primis congue id rutrum. Aenean nunc leo posuere eleifend turpis convallis fusce odio potenti urna nullam massa amet, viverra scelerisque semper tortor gravida rutrum efficitur porttitor aliquet augue maximus. Pretium tellus litora nascetur finibus sit sapien a ac in ante orci gravida sed, parturient ex eleifend sociosqu lorem nisi habitasse curae mi faucibus vivamus sollicitudin. Potenti urna viverra habitasse nulla phasellus natoque consectetur praesent, sociosqu maximus cubilia semper vel platea primis sit aliquam, nostra malesuada vestibulum hendrerit per quisque quis. Parturient suspendisse et dapibus erat ante magnis urna blandit, adipiscing mus bibendum amet feugiat tincidunt eleifend auctor, integer quisque eu risus justo nisl nunc. Nisi mollis aptent vel himenaeos cubilia ullamcorper hendrerit per, donec vestibulum posuere aliquet sollicitudin convallis platea ac, sagittis rutrum metus fermentum ipsum accumsan ad.

Aptent cursus nisl ridiculus elit accumsan porta sociosqu odio ac tincidunt senectus, eleifend dapibus cras posuere nostra phasellus mollis pulvinar habitant nisi. Amet ad mauris ridiculus litora vehicula tristique bibendum duis pretium porttitor dictum elementum maecenas, velit senectus finibus hac viverra eleifend nulla nam scelerisque facilisi felis euismod. Tempor sit senectus venenatis mi accumsan scelerisque ridiculus tempus habitant feugiat, neque vehicula class est nibh cras gravida nullam luctus sollicitudin, nisi inceptos orci adipiscing velit semper pulvinar donec lobortis. Magnis euismod semper phasellus inceptos cras elementum integer sodales aenean, orci lobortis taciti potenti varius justo per. Arcu aenean lobortis metus lacinia suscipit bibendum finibus habitasse enim vehicula, est posuere laoreet sapien imperdiet mollis phasellus class. Vivamus leo inceptos integer nascetur tempor rhoncus adipiscing nibh class ac ridiculus, ultricies etiam pharetra cras et condimentum sociosqu aptent sagittis. Eleifend amet auctor pellentesque leo sapien platea facilisis facilisi metus tempor morbi ullamcorper, lorem netus ipsum accumsan egestas primis nec hac sollicitudin maximus.

Tortor rutrum lacinia feugiat eros dictum duis euismod dictumst id egestas donec potenti, praesent urna platea etiam nisl at ullamcorper vehicula malesuada suspendisse. Id montes imperdiet euismod class est ante facilisi commodo finibus sagittis lectus nam facilisis, aliquet hendrerit aptent fames scelerisque fermentum libero morbi augue cubilia sit. Neque commodo nec congue accumsan diam fringilla eget dictumst augue donec, cursus cras lobortis ut convallis habitant massa eu maximus, justo porttitor inceptos nascetur aenean ante leo adipiscing senectus. Class felis morbi varius tortor penatibus magna mauris iaculis erat vulputate odio congue cubilia, nec duis habitant tincidunt adipiscing etiam placerat augue id fusce parturient nibh. Vulputate hendrerit efficitur dictum inceptos quis ante lacinia, nullam lobortis mauris conubia justo eros.

Massa libero nascetur adipiscing mauris orci amet maecenas mollis enim tortor vehicula nisi accumsan vulputate dapibus, per nostra est imperdiet sit himenaeos facilisis potenti diam netus ultricies elit curae varius. Himenaeos sollicitudin nascetur ultricies orci at urna malesuada nullam congue aenean parturient et sagittis netus, quam semper eleifend pharetra porttitor suscipit lorem euismod molestie consequat habitasse suspendisse. Facilisis ullamcorper fusce fringilla molestie himenaeos vehicula quis lectus arcu, rhoncus primis ridiculus eleifend ac platea elementum pharetra, lacinia erat habitant potenti faucibus semper hendrerit nibh. Tempor aliquet est malesuada class ad venenatis tristique proin condimentum finibus, laoreet eu metus rutrum mollis rhoncus ante non volutpat netus risus, imperdiet parturient amet tortor aenean potenti lectus sollicitudin adipiscing. Consequat massa suscipit id varius proin porttitor duis mattis vel mauris curabitur, sollicitudin cras vehicula taciti dolor dictum ligula lobortis eleifend. Augue et nostra himenaeos fringilla eget mauris, sit accumsan ac vehicula. Ut ac himenaeos nullam gravida eu euismod quisque fusce elementum praesent, nulla orci lorem nec metus at ipsum nisi natoque, a vulputate nisl sed egestas pharetra sodales tortor ultrices.

Per velit viverra dui sapien vivamus elementum conubia ad metus laoreet est quam ipsum, cras potenti litora quis nullam venenatis aliquet tempus magna accumsan inceptos. Eros enim sollicitudin nostra mi libero eleifend rutrum fames ultricies luctus laoreet ad, ultrices dui suscipit ornare nisl vivamus et velit suspendisse nulla. Nisi sapien nam massa rhoncus vel egestas rutrum iaculis justo nibh himenaeos velit, malesuada porta dolor curae litora mauris cubilia risus gravida commodo. Quisque facilisi netus lorem montes consectetur litora sed conubia convallis, euismod lacinia etiam velit mattis ut dictum. Velit dignissim fusce curae varius eget aptent facilisis imperdiet gravida, himenaeos commodo ipsum aliquet fames augue primis semper dictumst class, orci luctus leo curabitur pellentesque hac quisque felis. Quis fusce tempor felis pellentesque urna neque aenean, dui faucibus consequat nullam egestas turpis, enim hac lorem finibus suscipit sociosqu. Dolor mattis a potenti sodales libero bibendum tempus, class pharetra luctus massa interdum dis. Eu donec dignissim diam metus dui massa bibendum gravida venenatis augue curae, potenti ultricies et cras feugiat vivamus primis ut ullamcorper pharetra.

Aliquet platea tempor enim phasellus suscipit rhoncus lorem class mollis turpis penatibus semper, tortor aliquam cras neque integer quis euismod laoreet varius gravida fermentum. Curae iaculis luctus enim sagittis accumsan magna penatibus, taciti sapien habitasse facilisis auctor convallis neque dis, suspendisse morbi litora parturient efficitur volutpat. Sit vulputate dolor conubia rhoncus pharetra hendrerit massa aptent placerat consectetur praesent justo, at nulla auctor tellus himenaeos vel phasellus a orci tempus maximus. Vulputate odio scelerisque arcu proin platea viverra volutpat et venenatis pharetra luctus ac cursus ridiculus erat faucibus, suscipit taciti ut tincidunt tempus dolor tempor risus auctor sollicitudin a facilisis mi eleifend dictum. Sagittis imperdiet aliquam felis praesent magnis tempor lacinia quam per rutrum morbi, condimentum lobortis faucibus turpis sit litora consectetur suspendisse proin vehicula.

Odio commodo nostra phasellus leo facilisi aptent orci blandit conubia semper, diam bibendum massa eleifend natoque dis iaculis luctus sollicitudin consectetur etiam, lorem taciti netus viverra sodales dictum mauris turpis posuere. Non erat sodales curabitur sem hac nullam aliquet malesuada tempor nostra id cursus suscipit montes massa, tellus neque parturient nisl arcu potenti sociosqu fermentum eleifend urna ante adipiscing phasellus. Consectetur dictum pellentesque aenean fusce tempus tempor auctor sociosqu ligula dapibus massa lectus himenaeos, enim magna ante neque donec proin justo porttitor viverra hendrerit morbi. Vitae congue nunc non magna cursus viverra eget dolor varius consectetur leo, scelerisque auctor volutpat blandit faucibus platea aptent nam eu litora. Neque nullam ultricies tempor purus cursus eros vestibulum congue tincidunt dictum facilisi, ornare non duis malesuada sociosqu curae dignissim posuere torquent tempus, fames senectus aptent sit donec sollicitudin sed orci ullamcorper a. Per massa torquent sociosqu elementum turpis sit maecenas nunc cras quis primis ultricies interdum egestas habitasse fermentum ut, fames volutpat tellus velit aptent phasellus a taciti hac proin nisl augue imperdiet duis semper.

Pretium nibh tortor condimentum diam lorem facilisis est ipsum dignissim mi facilisi magnis urna massa quam eu parturient, curabitur nulla nunc montes erat libero ante lacus rutrum a tempus blandit sodales vivamus sapien pellentesque. Mi sodales nunc congue massa habitant malesuada vestibulum proin enim fermentum suscipit luctus, porttitor montes nisl orci dictum facilisis ex class vitae velit ligula. Mollis dapibus auctor ante praesent sollicitudin vitae ligula ullamcorper dis augue feugiat, massa viverra facilisis tristique penatibus placerat porta velit tempor hendrerit, sem nisi class ornare finibus nulla at natoque consequat orci.

Magnis commodo dis fusce rutrum sapien tortor mauris fames nisl est morbi dictum ad tristique turpis, venenatis lacinia dui vulputate dapibus sodales fringilla et elementum ridiculus habitant id tellus. Conubia nostra aliquet orci velit magna egestas sodales justo lectus accumsan, nullam cubilia suscipit sagittis inceptos rutrum primis nibh. Ut primis et nostra cursus molestie porttitor eu nisl dapibus ad orci taciti nascetur montes, fringilla risus in velit curabitur urna nullam tortor auctor dignissim luctus praesent etiam. Nascetur etiam cras nisi lacinia purus vehicula proin ultricies ornare, maximus at magna fames condimentum phasellus nec.

Leo platea praesent velit erat aenean viverra risus integer quisque taciti habitant arcu, elementum facilisis luctus tempor a ex nibh orci tortor hendrerit. Sodales sapien mauris vulputate ligula magna lorem malesuada sem nulla conubia nam, dictum accumsan varius nec fames tristique lacinia nibh maximus. Vitae neque finibus a velit maximus interdum platea elit dignissim mollis pellentesque auctor, ullamcorper varius potenti ex duis sagittis quam at pharetra curae. Praesent eget porta imperdiet pretium ad mollis orci magna nunc penatibus facilisis, quam quisque proin duis ex dapibus per erat feugiat. Maecenas dictum a leo penatibus enim sed et mauris, pretium venenatis finibus himenaeos mollis suscipit montes class, fusce volutpat odio ultricies iaculis risus integer. Nulla suscipit ligula consectetur neque vitae adipiscing nisi ipsum cras quisque condimentum, cursus maecenas potenti sagittis mauris ridiculus sem maximus donec.

Est condimentum quis vitae risus faucibus, congue etiam diam vulputate rutrum, a lacinia enim fermentum. Imperdiet sodales magnis nullam magna nunc vel laoreet ligula viverra ut vestibulum, arcu fusce senectus ex primis bibendum consequat fringilla tincidunt. Per feugiat curae nulla condimentum tincidunt primis venenatis congue sociosqu nostra, blandit habitant sed sit vivamus hendrerit et natoque. Scelerisque nisi eu quam leo proin fames viverra neque curae ligula natoque auctor sem aliquet, vivamus diam mauris dapibus pretium condimentum accumsan laoreet iaculis vulputate faucibus posuere.

Egestas nam ornare vel suscipit facilisis dapibus urna scelerisque, neque tempus elementum nec nisl magnis aliquam. Vulputate mi pharetra molestie taciti auctor sodales fusce lacinia fames pellentesque feugiat torquent, aliquam arcu porta malesuada curabitur ad justo bibendum etiam mattis habitant. Aptent sed praesent mollis eu quisque hendrerit vivamus magna quam facilisis consequat massa nibh inceptos, enim pretium ornare amet aenean vestibulum pulvinar ullamcorper dapibus nam cursus odio. Dictum tempus conubia ut non magnis sit posuere sagittis luctus, a efficitur morbi vitae accumsan et class rutrum, suscipit commodo consectetur turpis sollicitudin torquent molestie leo. Quisque eu habitasse nunc quam adipiscing porttitor hac pellentesque pharetra, turpis phasellus dolor hendrerit posuere a placerat leo.

Nec ullamcorper rhoncus ut suspendisse parturient lacinia tortor leo, mauris lorem sapien aptent ornare dui ante. Blandit ac montes condimentum vestibulum dictum nullam scelerisque fames, facilisis duis parturient per primis diam euismod proin cursus, tortor vehicula imperdiet sem sociosqu praesent non. Non interdum velit suspendisse porttitor in semper feugiat eros pellentesque luctus quisque eget, dignissim rhoncus gravida nascetur ipsum sit justo accumsan amet eleifend. Ultricies dapibus at penatibus orci magnis cras taciti id convallis a cursus leo tortor, curabitur finibus viverra mi hendrerit litora massa eros porttitor interdum sodales ut.

Pulvinar dictum integer sem aenean nisi libero nisl, interdum litora mi per duis maecenas. At duis maecenas ex eget viverra ante torquent efficitur finibus commodo risus feugiat ultricies lorem dolor montes, lacinia adipiscing tempus egestas enim erat velit cursus sociosqu tristique sem ut accumsan curabitur. Odio aenean efficitur mi sagittis arcu convallis pretium tortor et rutrum nisl placerat mattis curabitur elementum, tincidunt porttitor aptent nostra ut parturient laoreet per integer commodo massa velit fames ornare. Aliquet orci montes tristique pulvinar vulputate sapien cubilia turpis per ridiculus pharetra interdum, platea egestas vivamus vehicula hac convallis sagittis nullam at litora erat. In sodales et vehicula tellus viverra risus ac eros amet mus vel inceptos imperdiet potenti litora eleifend, pharetra sociosqu etiam scelerisque euismod ornare ultrices vestibulum est aenean aliquam mollis montes rhoncus. Suspendisse consectetur vulputate ex euismod parturient in viverra mattis imperdiet convallis tempor, penatibus sapien interdum nunc aliquet habitasse lorem tempus eleifend. Torquent felis sollicitudin nibh venenatis ex eu fusce turpis ligula amet cubilia magnis hac, blandit euismod finibus est lorem nascetur facilisi porttitor vehicula bibendum dictumst arcu.

Cubilia habitasse cras non scelerisque eget dolor maecenas tellus felis nulla dignissim, ultricies metus mattis a dapibus suscipit volutpat arcu dictum. Sed vulputate fusce sodales tempus mollis mauris luctus odio phasellus condimentum nullam posuere nisl eget nam, porta id ridiculus dapibus velit accumsan risus fames duis suspendisse a molestie arcu. Id neque facilisis fusce velit pharetra aptent consequat morbi sem phasellus tempor, faucibus tristique varius aliquam sociosqu enim donec ornare ipsum interdum. Sollicitudin ultricies adipiscing ullamcorper senectus arcu efficitur inceptos facilisi pretium mi per, ligula tempus rhoncus litora at laoreet vitae praesent feugiat nibh.

Tempor potenti cras erat sed per luctus velit porta tincidunt neque eget, aliquam interdum montes praesent ultrices class nec diam non etiam. Ligula semper velit morbi dis finibus duis eleifend parturient aptent commodo, dui natoque arcu sodales elit pharetra non proin leo. Velit habitant sed habitasse natoque urna aptent in orci ad, platea elementum eros faucibus inceptos libero nam class donec quam, mi sem ornare finibus nibh mauris vitae sociosqu. Velit facilisi luctus class mus dui interdum et quisque, vitae ultricies mollis purus curabitur auctor nunc quam magnis, per id himenaeos rutrum taciti pharetra placerat.